Why Do You Work, Daddy?
Kids ask great questions.
“Why do you work, Daddy?” Felix, then four years old, asked me. His motivation not an existential curiosity, not as far as I know. His just a question, maybe a concern: why do I disappear off from time to time, unable or unwilling (oops) to play with him?
A good question punctures the veneer, shatters the delusion. As Felix's did that day, ten or so years ago.
Why do I work?
Why do you work?
At the time I was coming near the end of my time running the company I'd co-founded close to 15 years previous. My energy, interest, usefulness waning. Its time nearing close.
When asking people why they work, the first response is often “for the money”. Obviously we live and function in a society / community which requires money. So let's park that. Yes, you need money.
Now what?
On reflection, we work for myriad reasons:
Something to do. We'd be mighty bored if we didn't have work to do, let's be honest. In part, I work to alleviate boredom. I'd wager you do too.
To feel useful. We all like to feel useful, needed. Working gives us opportunity to contribute.
To socialise. Work people are our troop, monkey friend. Working lends us opportunity to pick each others nits, comb their hair and feel part of the group that our monkey brain, and general interconnected nature, demands. Oh, and maybe find a mate too.
To create. I have a need to create. Work is how I satisfy this itch. More on these itches in a mo.
To learn. Work is a place to learn and learning is growing and growing is living.
This just some of the rich reasons for running off from a curious four year old, or leaving the house (if only metaphorically) each morning.
Work is important. A sorry reality then when the narrative is hijacked by a narrowed money lens, or a toxic culture leaving us somewhat flat lining.
Why do you work?
Useful tools have a habit of showing up at the right time. Another time I'll talk about panarchy, courtesy of Giles Hutchins. Today I'll talk about Carlos and his needs.
In Jan 2020, while the world was readying for a brief interrupt, I plugged into a coaching programme, an opportunity wake me up from the wintering of my post company life. The coaching programme was called 2020 (of the vision variety). Check it out.
Borrowing a lens form Non Violent Communication (NVC), we're led through a tool which shines an alternate light on the “why do you work, daddy?” question.
Here I gift it to you.
First up, make a list of all the projects, initiatives, activities you've been involved with the last year. Capture all, the good, the bad, the ugly. No particular need to make distinction between work and play either, just capture the list.
Right, done?
Grab a piece of paper. The bigger the better.
Fold it in half, from top to bottom (as opposed to side to side).
At the top of the page, write ‘eye wateringly good’. And the bottom ‘eye pokingly bad’.
Next up, return to all the tasks on your list. One by one, plot them on the page, the best, the eye wateringly good, up towards the top, and the worst, the eye pokingly bad', to the bottom. Consider your page a spectrum - move stuff around, play with it. You might do this with post it notes - each task / activity, occupying it's so note. This means you can play with the tasks on the page, moving them up and down and seeing how it feels: this more or less good / bad, a task which energises or drains. See how things land for you. Play with it. No hurry.
Now, the clever bit.
NVC is a tool to foster better relations. We are, after all, a bag of irrational needs, doubts and worries stumbling around in permeable skins. Find yourself angry or frustrated in conversation with Bob or Jane? Dig a little deeper and you'll find needs - yours - met or unmet, signalling to you. We dump the meeting of these needs on our communications.
We put the meeting of these needs on our work too.
Why am I always creating new projects, leaping, bounding from one thing to the next? Why am I so triggered by some people, most of the time? Why, when left to my own devices am I drawn to these tasks over those? Why do I feel so bored?
To borrow a phrase, it's your needs, stupid.
A large part of why we work is to meet our needs.
Jerry Colonna, CEO coach and writer, talks about 3 primary needs shaping our work: love, safety and belonging. True, true.
And there's more.
See this list, courtesy of the Happy Start Up school.
© Happy Start Up School
A quick note about the feelings part. Consider these the flags, an early warning system that your needs are being met, or not. Feeling excited, energised, happy? You'll find a need happily satisfied hiding right about there. Feel worry or anxiety or boredom? Here you'll find unmet needs.
Now back to your task list.
Cast your mind over all the activities on your list. Reflect on each. Take a moment to sense into what feelings come up for each whether good or bad. Jot these down - use this list as reference.
When you've completed the list and reflected on the different feelings and emotions brought up by each task, take a pause. Go for a walk. Commune with a nearby tree. Meditate.
Freshly recharged, return to the above list of needs / feelings. Take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with all the needs. Note the headlines and the sub points. Note your responses, see what resonates. Note your reactions. Marinade in it all for a little. Some likely leap out. Others less so. What needs speak to you?
Now, return to your list of tasks with the associated feelings, and start connecting each project / task / initiative to the needs which most resonate. Do this with every task.
As ever, play with it. Marinade in it. Take your time.
It's likely some needs resonate more than others. What are they? What are you drawn to, warm to? What about the negative? Which needs so you resist? These might be hiding in your shadow. These need welcoming too.
What Needs Drive You?
Having taken a little time, I ask you:
What three needs are most prominent?
It's not to exclude the others, but pick three of the most commonly presenting?
Know these three. When you're doing things which energise you, it'll be because these are being met. And if you're not, you're not.
Let these be a reference, an anchor point. Let these needs shape your decisions, inspire your actions.
I try and think and decide inside out ; that'll not be lunging for this activity or that and hoping it feels right. No, instead, I think of tasks designed to meet my needs. Inside out.
I invite you to do the same.
I invite you too to use this as part of your approach. This might be how you think about your work, how you create new products and services. Inside out.
This the first pointer to those deep lying roots from which you'll draw stability and calm, allowing you to be your most creative and joyfully adaptable self.
Next week we're getting into story. It's the stories which shape you, after all. Don't take my word for it, ask Ash Barty, Serena Williams and numerous other previous world tennis #1’s (and many else besides…!).
Until then...
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